DEATH STAR, April 1 — In what Galactic Republic insiders are calling “a Force-storm of epic proportions,” a top-secret Imperial war council was compromised this week after an unauthorized blue alien known primarily for an obsession with cookies was mistakenly added to a high-clearance Signal thread intended for top Empire officials.
The group chat, titled “Galactic Ops” and highlighted by the sword, fire and cookie emojis, was reportedly used to coordinate a high-level starfighter strike targeting Rebel Alliance forces. According to sources close to the situation, the incident occurred after an aide who meant to add @CookeMstr77 (codename for Admiral Cooke of Intergalactic Reconnaissance) accidentally tagged @Cooki3Monstr, a verified account belonging to an alien with an insatiable appetite for Tollhouse cookies.
Sources say the chat briefly devolved into a series of cookie gifs, an “Ew, Vader” meme and at least 37 uses of the drooling-face emoji.
The following transcript, obtained exclusively via an unnamed source in the Death Star’s IT department, has not been officially authenticated — but it has circulated widely in encrypted meme form.
**CLASSIFIED TRANSCRIPT** IMPERIAL STRATEGY SESSION
Time: 0900 Galactic Standard
Location: Death Star Command, Sector 7 War Room
Signal Thread Code: CHARLIE OMEGA OMEGA KILO INDIA ECHO
Present:
Darth Vader
Grand Moff Tarkin
Admiral Motti
General Veers
Rear Admiral [Redacted]
09:01:13—Meeting begins.
TARKIN: Let’s proceed. Priority targets have been identified. Planetary gravity is favorable. We are a GO for mission launch.
VEERS: Flight plans synced. Satellite confirmation pending.
[DOOR OPENS — unauthorized entry detected.]
COOKIE MONSTER: Me say prayer for cookies.
TARKIN: This is a closed military briefing. Who authorized this creature’s presence?
COOKIE MONSTER: You send fire emoji, me bring oven mitts!
REAR ADMIRAL [REDACTED]: Confirming account @Cooki3Monstr joined group chat 18 hours ago. Participated in emoji poll. Voted three cookies.
VEERS: That was supposed to be a morale test!
COOKIE MONSTER: You seem angry. Maybe you hungry. It called hangry. Me suggest snacks. Maybe hug too.
TARKIN: Remove him before he compromises targeting protocol!
VADER: Silence! Perhaps we … [breathing heavily] underestimate morale protocol. I would like to hear the creature’s proposed strategy.
COOKIE MONSTER: Step 1: Drop cookies. Step 2: Enemy confused. Step 3: Group hug; optional milk. Step 4: Nap.
ADMIRAL MOTTI: A useless gesture! This station is the ultimate power in the universe! I suggest we use it!
VADER: Do not be too proud of the technological terror you’ve created. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of baked goods. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
[VADER makes a pinching motion and MOTTI starts choking.]
VADER: Someone … bring the admiral a glass of milk. Now.
COOKIE MONSTER: Me thought this brainstorming session. Ideas, war plans, cookie.
TARKIN: This is about a precision strike, not a bake sale! Enough of this! This creature must be removed!
VADER: I do not fear the Carb Side as you do. I have brought to my new empire peace, freedom, justice and now, cookies.
VEERS: Lord Vader, this creature is more dangerous than you realize.
COOKIE MONSTER: Me not dangerous. Me here to love. And maybe take cookie selfie in war room.
GALACTIC INTELLIGENCE FOLLOW-UP REPORT
The creature was escorted from the battle station war room by protocol droids, but not before slipping Lord Vader a fortune cookie that read “Me your father.”
Hours later, the wild-eyed blue beast was detected on Earth by surveillance cameras. He appeared to be lying dejectedly by a trash receptacle located in front of a brownstone on a side street on Manhattan’s Lower East Side.
The following is a transcript of the conversation that ensued. It was recorded by spy drones as a disheveled, green-furred, troll-like alien with unibrow was seen to emerge from one of the trash receptacles. Alien 1 was immediately joined by Alien 2.
ALIEN 1: Rough day?
COOKIE MONSTER: Cookie diplomacy not work on Death Star.
ALIEN 1: Pfft. What a bunch of morons! I told you they’d crumble.
ALIEN 2 (small, ancient-looking humanoid with green skin and large pointed ears): Yes…the only one making sense, sometimes the wrong person in the chat is.